Conquer the Five Most Common Fears About Your Wedding Ceremony

It's safe to say that of all the important events in your lifetime, your wedding day is certain to be right up there with those that are the most meaningful. And throughout the entire wedding day - the preparations, the ceremony, the reception, and the wedding night - the moment when you recite your wedding vows to each other is the most meaningful. It is a time that you will remember forever, exactly as it felt: a sublime, dreamlike fantastical moment, when everyone significant to you is watching as you join in wedlock with the most important individual in your life.

Conquering Your Fears

Since this is such a unique and central moment to your romantic life, you're probably wondering how it is that you'll make the experience better than that 10th grade public-speaking assignment where you blanked out halfway through and fainted in front of all of your peers. Begin by telling yourself that it is perfectly natural to feel nervous when speaking in public. Moreover, not everyone is born with perfect public-speaking skills that accurately demonstrate what they feel in their hearts. However, fortunately for the majority of us, these things can be learned.

Of course, being well-prepared and armed with wedding vows you know are the absolute best they could possibly be is one of the easiest ways to overcome these fears. How do I know? Because the home-study course I put together, The Ultimate Wedding Vow Toolkit, has helped hundreds of couples take the fear out of their wedding ceremony by giving them the tools they need to write truly amazing wedding vows.

But beyond that, when you think logically about each of these fears, you'll realize there is nothing that cannot be overcome with a bit of care, technique, and practice. Let's take a realistic look at these five incredibly common worries. In a few minutes, you'll see that none of them are likely to spoil your ceremony.

Common Fear #1: Freezing Up

This is a direct result of being excessively nervous. Therefore, it's important to come up with some calming techniques that will help you to keep cool. It's only natural to be a bit nervous. In fact, the added rush from being a little on the anxious side can actually help you to speak better and with added feeling. The best technique that you can give yourself is breathing. Most often, when we are overly frightened, we either breathe much too quickly or we hold our breath. Therefore, as you're keeping yourself calm, concentrate on breathing smoothly, neither too fast or too slow, but regularly, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Practice a few times in advance, especially in other situations that you've found a bit stressful in the past. You'll be surprised at what an enormous difference something as simple as breathing can do for you.

Common Fear #2: Going Blank

This is another trick played by your overly-nervous brain. To stop yourself from becoming so nervous that you go blank, or even to remove any fear that you may go blank, bring a "backup" copy of your wedding vows on cue cards that you can slip into your pocket. Make sure they are very crisp and neat looking so that you won't hesitate to use them if you have to, and write clearly on them so that you won't get stuck due to sloppiness.

Common Fear #3: Blushing, Dry Mouth, and Shaking.

These are extremely common physical responses to being nervous and having to perform in front of others. However, even if they do begin to occur, you can bring yourself to a calmer state where these physical symptoms will begin to fade. Try to ignore blushing and shaking as much as possible and just concentrate on your vows and how much you love the person to whom you are making those vows. With regards to dry mouth, drink lots of water beforehand, and try not to think about it. As long as you concentrate on what you're doing, instead of the fact that you are blushing, shaking, or have a dry mouth, they will actually begin to resolve themselves quite quickly.

Common Fear #4: Having Someone Heckle

This is a common fear, but it simply doesn't happen at weddings. Remind yourself that everyone there with you is hoping the very best for you and your future spouse. They are all nervous right along with you and wouldn't dream of saying anything but best wishes for your future together. The closest they will come to "heckling" is sending a mental prayer to provide you the strength and the courage to continue so that you may enjoy long and happy lives together.

Common Fear #5: Being Judged

The people attending your wedding are all people who know you, like or love you, and who wish you the very best. They know how much adrenaline is running through your system as you say your wedding vows, and wouldn't judge you at a time like that; except to think about how well suited you are to the love of your life.

Wedding Planner or Personal Assistant?

"WEDDING-ASSISTANT" is
"The Someone Else"
that you hire to
Organize, Plan and Coordinate Your Wedding.

And EVERYONE needs help
at some point during
their planning.

Why is it important to hire "someone else" for a wedding?

More than likely everyone that you know, like and love is in the wedding or supposed to be there to witness and share the excitement of this magical moment in history. Why would you expect someone to “work your wedding” instead of helping you celebrate it? (My next statement is said in my stern business voice.) Your friends and family are not trained to foresee possible situations or to work around, fix or alter in the rush of the moment. You may say “nothing will go wrong and everything will be perfect”....but what if it is not?? Don’t be that Bride after her BIG Day and say "I could-a, would-a and should-a hired a professional".
  For me, it is the thought of making an almost perfect memory for a Bride that will pass on from generation to generation.

I like to be able to control the situation and allow the Bride to enjoy herself and bask in the moment that will fly by, oh-so fast!

Hmmm... how to say this nicely... I'm your wedding planner, not your personal assistant. There, I said it. Wow, I feel much better. Brideys, it's really important for you to be able to distinguish between the two. No, really it is. You hired me to plan your wedding, not to tap my network for an amazing maid service to clean your apartment, not to "quickly grab a coffee (for you) before our meeting", and certainly not to pick up your birth control prescription because I am right near the pharmacy.

Listen, I completely understand how the lines can easily become blurred. I am in the service industry, but not the ALL services industry. I have a job to do, and would like to do it without being the liaison between every little detail in your life, and your wedding planning, especially when I'm in the midst of wedding season, and every bride thinks she's my only client, I feel myself starting to lose patience. And you really don't want BB or any other wedding planner to lose their patience because then it's really easy for us to stop being your advocate, and start being your nemesis.

So here's a simple checklist of wedding planning etiquette for you to follow so that the lines between planner and personal assistant become a bit less hazy (this is applicable to the wedding coordinator at the venue who's working hard to make sure your wedding is a success, and the person you hired to plan your wedding):

1. Drop the "Can you?" and "Do you mind?" statements from your vocabulary. Catch yourself before these words slide out of your mouth, because in my experience, it's always followed with something personal instead of wedding planning oriented. Is this something you can do? Do you really need your wedding planner to fulfill this task? Great! Then do it!

2. This is pretty basic brideys, but think about what you are going to ask before you ask it. Do I really need to be present when you're choosing which Jimmy Choo shoes to wear under your wedding dress? Or perhaps picking out some fun jewelry to wear on the big day? Because as much as I love shopping, shoes, and jewelry I start hating it when it's expected for me to have the ultimate say so in your decision. I am busy planning the significant details for your big day, so put your big girl pants on, and choose whatever makes you happy all by yourself. Or grab your MOH to help you! That's part of her job!

3. While I am always happy to help make your life easier during the planning, it's outside the scope of my services to assemble your welcome bags for your guests, unless you are paying me to do so. We can certainly talk about what you should be putting into the bags, the design, the color, etc., but if you are going to take on a DIY project (any DIY project for that matter), then DO IT YOURSELF!

4. If you need yarmulkes, Kiddush cups, coconuts, unity candles, light bulbs, rice or anything ceremonial, I can certainly guide you to the resources and even procure them, but if I am doing the work, then I am going to be paid for obtaining the items for you. As lovely as I am, I am also a businesswoman. My time is valuable, billable even. And frankly, these items can easily be retrieved by an actual personal assistant or even your by your fiancé. So, if I am getting them, expect that a percentage will be factored in for my time.

5. This is my absolute favorite... "Can you please email the notes from our meeting with the florist to her assistant? She doesn't have any because she was busy creating our arrangements for the showing." This is an actual line from an email I received from one of my brides. And not only is this florist NOT in my network of vendors, it is her responsibility to take notes, pictures, etc., and retain the details. If she wants to call me, we can talk, but I am not transcribing the meeting minutes.

Brideys, it is truly my goal to educate you on how to behave during your wedding planning. I want you to understand what is appropriate and what is out of line. I know that you most of you haven't planned a wedding or even a large event, so it's completely understandable that you are unaware. But, that said please allow me to provide you with the insight you need to really be a Bitchless Bride. Got it?

Things Your Wedding Planner Won't Tell You

Not all wedding planners are as glamorous as Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner. There are the kind who will help you plan your wedding, but not steal your groom. There are also the kind who'll give you the dirt on some of the things that happen behind the scenes. Things that you, as a bride-to-be and a prospective client most definitely need to know about the wedding planning business; things an average wedding planner won't tell you.



Some brides-to-be are just super in the way they visualize, research, and plan things. If you're inherently good at planning, organizing, multitasking, chances are you don't really need a wedding planner. Here's a quick test:
Do you have a flair for planning events?
Are you good at identifying and getting good deals for stuff you buy?
Can you handle crises?
Are you resourceful?
If you've answered 'yes' to most or all of these questions, then you might want to rethink your decision about hiring a wedding planner, because you might not need her.

And you thought your wedding planner's wall was decorated with framed degrees to plan your wedding. Pffft! Sure she may have a 'certificate' from an 'association/consultancy' that may entitle her to plan and dictate every aspect of your wedding, but she isn't armed with a hardcore degree. That's right: your wedding planner does not have a degree because there is none. This makes it more attractive to people; unfortunately, it also makes it more susceptible to disaster. As of now, the profession does not demand one. Wait, does it?


Yes. Apparently, one of the occupational hazards of a wedding planner is that she can tell if your marriage will last. No, she doesn't have a time machine. It's got something to do with the way you, as a bride-to-be, conduct yourself. And of course, the way you and your fiancé handle the pressure and stress that wedding planning brings with it. Another factor that helps her is the duration for which the two of you have known each other before the engagement. Just giving all the bridezillas a heads up!


No self-respecting wedding planner is going to tell you that she can't handle a problem. So there's little to no chance of her telling you that she can, like any other person on the planet, get utterly panic-stricken when faced with an unforeseen event. A good way to gauge if she can handle a crisis is to give her hypothetical situations and ask her to come up with solutions. Here are some you can use:
The groom forgot the ring
The flower girl is down with the flu
A running kid managed to overturn the champagne tower
Your ring finger is swollen due to an allergic reaction


Isn't it extremely annoying when you're trying to work on something and suddenly have to abandon it for something else? Just for fun, let's say you're planning the wedding all by yourself. What if you're in the middle of the cake tasting, and you get a call from a friend who wants to talk about his pet turtle? And next from a cousin who wants to brag about how her kid won the kindergarten fashion show? You'd be hassled, wouldn't you? Keep this in mind the next time you call your wedding planner. She may be too nice to tell you to zip it when she's swamped with work. Don't take it for granted.


Just because she's not saying it doesn't mean she's not thinking it. She's a consultant that you hired to help plan the most important day of your life; she's not your servant. Yes. This is something that your planner will think of telling you if/when you:
Call her to pick up your dress.
Tell her to pick up your bridesmaids' dresses.
Ask her to sample the food while you get a mani-pedi.
Show her the respect she deserves.


Let's sheepishly admit that many of the ideas that you want to use for your wedding are not 100% original. You must have been at least a teeny bit (p)inspired while planning your wedding. Don't worry. If you won't admit it, neither will your wedding planner. She'll give you a thumbs-up for every (feasible) idea that you suggest, with 'oohs' and 'aahs' at appropriate intervals. But she will never ever ever tell you that she's 'been there, done that'. Pinky swear!


Now, for all you brides who want your wedding to be a replica of your wedding board on a very popular inspiration website, your wedding planner will be a total angel. She'll patiently listen to all the details about what you want your awesome DIY wedding to be like. What she probably won't tell you is that DIY weddings may not always be easy on the pocket. In fact, they can be much more expensive than a typical one. So you might want to do your own research about prices and deals and share them with her. Being a hands-on bride-to-be is one of the biggest advantages you can give yourself.



If you're going to be one of those brides-to-be who insists that her wedding planner answer all her calls and respond to all her emails, texts and IMs as soon as she sends them, you're going to have to do the same for her. Understood that you may be contacting her for something important on most occasions, but when she's contacting you, it's probably to get back to you about something that you asked for. A delay in response from your end may result in your wedding preparations suffering and you having to settle for something hideous. So, even though she may play it cool and respond sweetly when you finally call her back, she's mentally yelling at you. And who needs that? Just respond to her calls and messages ASAP and avoid the unnecessary drama.


Most, if not all, wedding planners charge clients according to the number of hours they spend with them for the preparations. And these hours too may be fixed. They may also include extra charges if you require them to be present at the venue on the wedding day. All this may be very clearly mentioned in the contract that you draw up with her. But you may not realize when and how these hours will fly past, what with all the chats, rants, and anecdotes being peppered all across the preparations for the big day. Keep up with unnecessary talking and you'll be left to foot a bill that's almost double of what you initially agreed to. 'Cos expecting her to keep reminding you that your hours are almost up is like expecting a lion to take permission before killing its prey.


There are some brides-to-be who can be really, really creative when it comes to planning the intricacies of the wedding. And then there are some who go so over-the-top that it becomes difficult to fathom from which crevice of the mind such ideas originate. In such cases, a wedding planner has no choice but to ignore the unrealistic demands that you make. She knows the budget, she knows the kind of wedding you want, she also knows the best way to realize your dream wedding. And when you come up with something absurd, she'll hear you out, but will ultimately do what's best for the wedding. True story!


Every wedding planner wants to show her client that she's the best at what she does. This means, under no circumstance, can she make an error of any kind. Mind you, in the wedding industry an error by omission is more frowned upon than an error by commission. So, if your planner happens to forget something, it's very likely (unless she can't bear the big blotch on her conscience) that she simply won't tell you about it. She'll cleverly have it included in the process but won't let you find out.

*Tip: To make sure that you don't end up paying for stuff that you didn't know you were paying for, maintain a paper trail of everything you order, purchase, get made, etc. Make sure you have all final decisions written down somewhere for quick reference.


Your wedding planner knows that this day is one of the most important days of your life. She knows that on this day, you're going to be surrounded by the people you love the most. She knows how much they mean to you. But she also knows that your friends and family have the highest chances of posing problems or causing tension for her and the other guests at the wedding. The uncle who drinks a little too much; the niece who insists on holding the train of your gown; the aunt who refuses to sit at the table she's supposed to. All these people are going to be handled by the wedding planner, and she's not going to like it. But she won't bother you about it. Bless her!


A wedding is such a vulnerable occasion. There are things just waiting to go wrong. The groom forgetting his ring, the caterer bringing the wrong dessert, the bridal bouquet wilting because it wasn't sprayed. Oh the horror! But you'll never get a whiff of all mis-happenings in the background. Your wedding planner will take care of everything and leave you to take care of the expense that said mis-happenings caused.

*Tip: Keep a contingency fund that you can use for such unexpected events.


What wedding is complete without flowers, right? Your planner may suggest how your wedding simply must have orchids from Thailand and how it will add to the grandeur of the event. Or she may suggest that your bridal bouquet be made of a bunch of the most gorgeous tulips ever! What she won't tell you is that sometimes, flowers are just not worth it. You can go for cheaper alternatives to flowers for wedding décor. It's just a matter of finding the perfect one.


It's true that any wedding planner worth her salt will have a list of vendors ready for every aspect of the event. But it's also true that this list will have her most preferred vendors at the top of it. Her reasons may be professional or personal. She may enjoy working with a particular vendor because he's good at what he does. Another may be a distant relative. Yet another may be one of her friends. To make sure that you're not being ripped off just because your planner's vendors are all her best buddies, do your own thorough research and have a bunch of vendors of your own, at prices you're comfortable with. Oh, did I forget to mention that her vendors generally ask for impossibly high rates? They do.


More often than not, if you haven't explicitly requested that the planner be present at your wedding, she won't be there. If it's not in your contract, then she might not be there, unless by personal invitation. Sometimes, even if she has a personal invitation, she just may not be able to make it because she has other clients to attend to. What? You thought yours was the only wedding she was planning? Sheesh! She's just being nice and making you feel like the center of the universe, because she knows that that's what you want. *sniff*.